President Obama's JOKES from the 2009 White House Correspondents' Dinner



1.  Good evening ladies and gentlemen [of the White House press corps], I am Barack Obama.  MOST of you COVERED  me;  

ALL of you VOTED for me. [ big cheers from the audience ] . . .  ( Apologies  to  the  Fox  table.  ) 


2.  You know I didn't really want to be here tonight;  but I knew I  HAD  to.  It's just one more problem I inherited from George W. Bush. 


3.  My thanks to all of you here whose job it is to inform the public and to pursue the truth.  A government without newspapers, a government without a tough and vibrant media of ALL sorts, is not an option for the United States of America.   


4.  Michelle Obama is here.  Hi Michelle!  Isn't she doing a great job as the First Lady of the United States?   She has already begun to bridge some of the differences that have divided us for so long, because, regardless of which party you belong to, we can all agree that Michelle has "the right to bare arms."   


5.  Now, Sasha and Malia are not here tonight.  No, they're grounded.  Yeah.  You can't just take Air Force One on a joy ride to Manhattan.  I don't care whose kids you are.  We've been settin' some ground rules here.  They're starting to get a little carried away. 


6.  I  do have to say that this is a tough holiday for Rahm Emanuel …  because he's not used to saying the word "Day" after the word "Mother." . . .  That's true. 


7.  Michael Steele is here tonight.  Where are you, Michael?  Welcome to the White House, or as Michael would say, "the HIZZey."Wah ZUPP ? … Michael, for the last time, the Republican Party does NOT qualify for a bailout.  Rush Limbaugh does not count as a troubled asset,  I'm  sorry!  


8.  Dick Cheney was supposed to be here tonight, but he's been very busy working on his memoirs, tentatively titled "How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People."


9.  It's been a whirlwind of activities here, this first 100 days.  No president has ever named three Commerce Secretaries so quickly.  By the way, Judd Gregg, if you’re here, your business cards are ready now. 


10.  Just last week, Car and Driver named me "Auto Executive of the Year," something I'm very proud of. 


11.  Just recently Larry Summers asked if he could CHAIR the White House Council on Women and Girls.  And I do appreciate that Larry's here tonight, because it IS seven hours past his bed time. 


12.  In the last 100 days, we've also grown the Democratic Party, by infusing it with new energy and bringing in fresh, young faces . . . like, Arlen Specter.  Uh, Joe Biden rightly deserves a lot of credit for convincing Arlen to make the switch.  But Secretary Clinton had a lot to do with it, too.  One day, she just pulled him aside and she said, "Arlen, you know what I always say, 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." 


13.  ... which brings me to Another thing that's changed in this new, warmer and fuzzier White House, is my relationship with Hillary.  You know, we had been rivals during the campaign, but these days we could not be closer.  As a matter of fact, the SECOND she got back from Mexico, she pulled me into a hug and gave me a big kiss, and told me I'd better get down there myself. . . .  which I really appreciate.  I mean, it was nice. 


14.  And, there's one more new change we're making around here.    I  will  be  getting  OFF  the  TelePrompter  more, . . .  and  Joe Biden  will  be  staying  ON  it. 


15.  Well, welcome to the second 100 days of my administration. We're planning to accomplish a lot more. One thing we'll do is design, build and OPEN a new library, ... dedicated to my FIRST 100 days. ... I expect my SECOND 100 days to be SO successful, I will complete them in just 72 days. ... and on the 73rd day, I will rest. 


 Opinion POLL question --

Which of President Obama's White House Dinner jokes do you like best? 


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